Yesterday was another hard day. I don’t always want to be talking about my Mom but it is kinda hard not to.
I miss her.
I wish I could just call twice a week to see how Dad is… not that he would be honest, and be done with it. Life would move on. I would think about it, but for the most part out of sight out of mind. Then I wouldn’t have had to watch the cancer get her. I wouldn’t have to look around daily and be reminded of all the things we did together.
I have been told by some family (not in a mean way mind you) that it isn’t their fault I have to deal with this. I CHOOSE to live here. Yes I did. I chose to live near my family. I chose to share my life with my parents. I chose to allow my kids to grow up knowing what family dinners are all about. And it isn’t just the 4 of us! I hope I am teaching my girls to look beyond just our immediate family and now that I have my girls I hope they choose to stay here so I can watch their children grow and see them become wives and mothers. Nothing would make me happier. Just as I know I made my Mom’s heart full by letting her be apart of my adult life.
Of course, if I didn’t live with her I wouldn’t miss talking to her every day. Asking her questions hourly. Getting her advice on parenting… every second. At the time I hated it. I hated the harsh things she said. I hated to be questioned about why I was doing things this way or that way. Now though, I have nobody to ask. When SBean broke out into a rash I would have ran into my Mom’s room freaking out. Now I had to calm down and figure it out on my own. I honestly don’t think I would be the Mommy I am today without her guidance.
My Mom made me feel like a bad Mom sometimes with her blunt questioning and harsh words but most times she was right. I wish I realized that before it was too late. I miss talking to her about the girls. Getting her opinion and showing her outfits. Getting HBear ready for school pictures left me a blubbering idiot. Mom would have loved getting her all dressed and ready. She was my best friend and now… I live with 2 men who are wonderful but don’t go that extra mile. They don’t help with planning, shopping, cleaning, girl talk, outfit selection. I am constantly cleaning up after 2 guys and 2 kids. I am so outnumbered. Dinner conversation revolves around sports and work. I don’t even get good TV gossip anymore L Actually, I don’t even get to gossip anymore.
I’m not trying to be oh-woe-is-me believe me. Things are just so different… and quiet.
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| Mom & I last year at this time |
Mom was LOUD. I hated it. Now the house is deathly silent. HBear is at school, SBean actually naps and sleeps all night and the guys are always in the office. It is so quiet. It is different. I can hear my heart breaking and rebreaking every time I think of all the times I won’t have with her.
Yesterday Ninja brought up the winter clothes from the crawl space. Deep breathe.
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| SBean watching Daddy bring up stuff from the crawl space |
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| Watching Daddy come in and out LOL |
I hate going through Mom’s stuff. I still haven’t gone out to the suite. I can’t go into her closet. I haven’t touched her desk. I haven’t taken down her scarves or chemo hats.
I pulled out all of Dad’s stuff and put Mom’s stuff back down. I am such a chicken shit.
Today HBear had Jazz/Musical Theater. Grandma took her. I think that it is awesome that we live so close to both grandparents. My girls are so fortunate to have the love of family surrounding them. She gets so excited to show Grandma what she can do!
When they got home I had baked an apple cake to have with our afternoon coffee. It was awesome!
Afternoon Apple Cake
Adapted from Iowa Girl Eats
1/2 cup margarine
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 cups sugar
1/2 cup homemade applesauce
3 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
3 cups flour
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 apples, cored and cut into cubes (3 cups total)
1/4 cup icing sugar
2 cups sugar
1/2 cup homemade applesauce
3 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
3 cups flour
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 apples, cored and cut into cubes (3 cups total)
1/4 cup icing sugar
Preheat oven to 350
Spray a Bundt pan with Pam
In your standing mixer, beat butter, vegetable oil, and sugar for 2 minutes. Add applesauce then beat to combine. Add eggs one at a time, beating until combined. Add vanilla then beat to combine.
In a separate bowl, stir together flour, cinnamon, baking soda, baking powder, and salt.
Remove 2 Tablespoons of flour mixture then toss with cubed apples.
Add remaining dry ingredients to wet ingredients by the spoonful, mixing until just combined before adding the next spoonful, then fold in apples.
Pour batter into Bundt pan and bake for 50-60 minutes.
Cool for 10 minutes in the pan then run a knife along the inner rim and invert cake onto a wire rack to cool completely.
Sift icing sugar onto cooled cake.
Tonight Dad took HBear on a date! They are going to see Despicable Me 2 in 3D. She is very excited… for popcorn, Twizzlers and rootbeer LOL. When they get home she is having a sleepover in his “little house” (The suite) J After they left I noticed she had Maury (her Teddy Bear), her books and her PJ’s packed in her suitcase at the backdoor LOL. I know they are going to have a great time! Dance with Grandma, cake with Grandpa, and a movie night with Papa… Even though I feel enormous sadness, I am bursting with happiness and love for the family we DO have here.
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| She picked her Movie outfit, she is loving picking out her clothes lately! |
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| Silly picture!!!! |
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| We going… to the MOVIES! |
Good night and thanks for listening J
