How do you grieve?
You know how I grieve.
I put it all out there.
One of my friend’s, who has lost his Father, emailed me after one of my posts and said, I admire you so much for putting all that out there for others to judge.
I don’t put it all out there for others to judge, of course people do, but that isn’t my priority.
My priority is grieving.
This is how I do it. I need to write it all down in order to see the big picture. Do you know how I quit smoking? I wrote lines. I wrote over and over and over again, I am a non-smoker, I am a non-smoker, I am a non-smoker. That was it. I wrote it, so it was. That was over 10 years ago and I am still and always will be a non-smoker.
I hope (and know) that some of my posts have helped others on their own journey of grieving. In fact, I follow a few blogs based on their sad stories and how they deal with the tragedies in their lives. They help me. Of course, I tell you all happy stories, funny stories, and rant stories too but I choose to use this forum to get out some of my sadness as well.
I feel sorry for people that keep their sadness bottled up. I think it leads to stress and pent-up anger. These things can lead to health issues and relationship issues. I understand it can be difficult for the older generations to understand how I could put such intimate details out there. Sometimes, I feel like by the time I have published my post, writing it all out has helped the sadness. I also have an upset tummy for the first few hours, waiting to see if I went too far… It is scary putting it out there into the cyber universe. But, once I do, it is almost like admitting it. Sometimes I write point form over a month period. I don’t want to put sad stuff in every post but I write it down and then make a big post out of it. Sometimes I write pages and pages and then edit it all down to what I really feel. Some people have a shrink… I have a blog 🙂
I have received so many messages from people who have said I wrote exactly what they had been thinking. Everyone has fears, everyone has had loss (some more than others) and everyone that has kids has had asshole kid moments. It is silly to not talk about them.
It’s like when you can’t talk about your period in front of your Dad???? That was never our family but I know people who suffered this… every woman has her period.
Get over it.
Or breastfeeding in public. We have boobs. They provide milk to our babies.
Get over it.
I lost someone very important to me and I like to talk about it to work through my emotions.
I don’t have to get over her loss… you have to get over the fact that I talk about it… I talk about her.
I am not ashamed that I miss my Mom.
I think, no, I know she would be proud that I have kept her on people’s newsfeeds lol. Talking about her, my feelings and seeing pictures of her helps me grieve well. A term that I didn’t understand before but I think that I am finally getting it.
I’m pretty sure if you read my blog in 10 years… 40 years even, I will still have sad days. I will still be talking about my loss. By then I will have more I’m sure… And I will talk about them all. This does not mean I don’t spend time with my kids. It doesn’t mean I am not happily moving forward with my family and life. It means I am working on my issues every day so that I AM and can be a good Mom to my girls.
Because I am only 36 and I don’t have a Mom to ask all the questions I have about how to do this.
And it is hard.
My mom died when SBean was only seven months old. SweetPea hadn’t even been born yet. My mom was 54.
My Mom’s youngest brother just turned 55. He is the baby of the family and he is already 1 year older than my Mom was when she died.
So young.
These are the things I think about.
You (as in all of you) do too but maybe you are too scared of saying it out loud. Maybe you are uncomfortable with these feelings and don’t like it when I make you come face to face with it.
I get it. I hope everyone finds a grieving process that helps them heal.
Not fester, heal.
I promise no matter your course of action, I’ve got your back. Grieving is the worst and whatever you need to do to let go of the sadness, the anger, the loneliness and the fear, I’m here for you.
You don’t have to read about what I feel. But, I sure hope you do and I hope in some small way, it helps you in your time of grief.
I really wanted to start the year off by explaining myself. I had a few emails and a few questions over the holidays wondering if I’m OK. I assure you all that I’m more than OK 🙂 Thank you for caring. I love you for that! I am OK because I put it out there. I don’t contain it.
For all those that feel the need to be negative about the way I am dealing with my grief, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you are an emotional infant… In the future, may I suggest blogging? Lol it’s free, makes you feel really good, and might help you move (in a more positive way) forward 🙂
I had a few sad posts before Christmas… I was sad. There will be more, I promise LOL because I get sad.
I am also a VERY happy person. A happy Mommy to 2 beautiful girls, a super lucky Wife to an amazing man, a proud Sister to a wonderful Bro & Sis, and a grateful Daughter to a hardworking and genuine Father.
So Thankful.
We had a WONDERFUL New Year’s Eve! We started out by going to the Bank and getting HBear her very first bank account! She was so excited and proud. For Christmas she got a Savy Pig. It is a bank that has 4 slots, Savings, Long Term Savings, Charity and Spending. Now she can divy up her $7.00 weekly allowance (her age) and begin the TOUGH process of learning financial responsibility.
We went for a family New Year’s Eve swim,
Had a family lunch at Denny’s,
And then the games began! LOL Literally. We played board games and did puzzles,
We painted our nails,
and PIGGED out on snacks!
We ordered Boston Pizza for dinner and then watched Turbo!
And at 9:30 we did The CareBears Countdown on Netflix!
Ninja and I took a hottub and barely made it to midnight lol. This past weekend Papa joined us and we went BOWLING!
Ninja and I were also busy putting out another podcast. His Uncle was away this week so I filled in 🙂 You can hear us discuss Southern California bands Sublime and Face to Face HERE.
After such a busy weekend, it was time for a rest before it was back to the Monday grind 🙂
Happy New Year to everyone, may 2016 bring you nothing but love, understanding and hope.
Last week Ninja made dinner! He made this Ah-Mazing stuffed chicken breast with a wonderful apple sauce. Yummy!
Apple-Cheddar Stuffed Chicken with Apple-Dijon Sauce
4 chicken breasts
1 small apple, peeled and chopped small
1/2 cup cheddar cheese, shredded
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1 tablespoon thyme, chopped
1/4 teaspoon dried oregano
1/4 cup flour
2 tablespoons oil
3/4 cup chicken broth
1/2 cup apple juice
2 tablespoons dijon mustard
1-1/2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar
Preheat oven to 375 then get out a baking sheet and set aside.
Using a sharp knife, cut a pocket horizontally into each chicken breast then set aside.
Mix apples, cheese, lemon juice, 1 teaspoon of the thyme, oregano, and season with salt and pepper in a small bowl.
Stuff chicken with a quarter of the mixture. Close with toothpicks if desired.
Heat oil in a large, non-stick skillet over medium-high heat.
Combine flour, half the thyme, salt, and pepper in a shallow dish then dredge chicken breasts in mixture, tapping excess flour off.
Place chicken into skillet then sauté until golden brown on one side, 4-5 minutes. Flip then sauté until other side is golden brown, 3-4 minutes and then transfer chicken to baking sheet and place into the oven to finish cooking through, 5-7 minutes.
Meanwhile, add chicken broth, apple juice, dijon mustard, apple cider vinegar, and the rest of the thyme to skillet then turn heat to high. Cook until sauce has reduced, about 5 minutes, then taste and add salt and pepper if necessary.
Plate chicken then drizzle with pan sauce. (I tried to help out and overcooked the sauce 🙁 BUT I tried it before it got dark and thick and it was probably one of the BEST sauces I have ever tasted. So the moral is, don’t overcook your sauce!)
