6 Years Without my Mom & Creamy Beef and Shells

It’s hard not having my mom to talk about this stuff. I start to have this mental list and it gets longer and longer. You’re just thinking, ‘God. You’re missing all this cool shit you would have liked! Not just your grandkids, but like Kim vs. Taylor!’ She would have been very invested in that.

Kate Spencer

Last week, losing my Grandpa, was tough. It was tough for lots of reasons but the time of year made it that much worse for me. When I was going through pictures trying to find a good one of my Grandpa, one that would show his humour but also leave no doubt to the casual observer that there was a stubborn streak a mile long in the man 😆. I came across my parent’s family wedding photo. When I looked at it I immediately felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I clutched my midsection and fell to the ground. I could barely breathe. When you look at the picture you see a bright blue sky, a beautiful sunshiny May afternoon. You see great big smiles on my parent’s faces as they finally became husband and wife. Both sets of my grandparents stand beside my Mom and Dad with goofy grins of happiness and pride shining from their eyes. I used to love that picture. It was a picture of true love. Looking at it the other day made me realize that the only person in that photo that was still alive, is my Dad 💔

Facebook memories started popping up in May and no matter how badly I tried to avoid them, there they were. Laughing at me and my half assed attempt to forget that 6 years is approaching.

Six years.

I am gob smacked by that fact. In some ways it feels like just yesterday and in other ways it feels like an eternity ago.

Sometimes I talk about my Mom in the present tense. Maybe because the reality still hasn’t hit me on maybe because she is still with me?

Some days I feel her more than others, on my birthday her present to me was warm sunshine on my face. I could actually feel her hugging me and keeping me warm and safe.

One day I was leaving the library and a book caught my eye. I went cold, The Dead Moms Club by Kate Spencer. I felt morbid picking it up. I thought, “self-help books are not for me“ but I couldn’t put it down. I took it out and put it in the van for… Just in case. I read it. It took me a while because her story was so similar to mine. Every word she wrote pierced me so deeply. I would sit in my van outside of dance reading it. People walked by and saw me sobbing uncontrollably and I could see them thinking, “is she OK?” and behind my tears I was silently screaming, “no! I’m not OK! My Mom died.“ It took me weeks to read that book. Sometimes I could only read a page or two a day. Sometimes the words were so meaningful that I had to sit and reflect on them for a few days to balance out the weight of their words.

One part that really got me was when she spoke of her fear of forgetting her Mom.

The thing about grief is that the old adage is true: Time heals all wounds. The rushing roar of pain and mourning that once swept me up and carried me away has now dried up to a trickle. I have lived a full eight years of my life — chasing career dreams, moving across the country, pushing babies out. My brother’s career is flourishing, and my father got remarried to a wonderful woman whom he met at his ballroom dancing lessons. Sometimes we text each other on my mom’s birthday, or the anniversary of her death. Other times, we’re silent, and the days go on almost as if nothing ever happened.

My grief slipping away feels just as terrifying as it did to lose her. In some ways, I’m losing her all over again. My memories of her are becoming sloppy and unclear, foggy around the edges. My box of mementos is shoved on a shelf in my living room; my Tumblr is mostly a home for One Direction photos now. In that moment at the sink cutting strawberries, I pushed myself to go into my grief, to come up with a memory, a moment — something to hold on to, to bring her back. I searched my mind to hear the pitch of her laughter, to eye the slope of her shoulders as she sat paying bills at her desk, to watch her stand there cutting strawberries, piling them into the dingy, plastic, yellow strainer that she bought before I was born. I wanted to feel the sadness because it would mean that a part of her was still there, living and breathing through my sorrow. But my mind just circled around and around, until I finished my work, tossing the strawberry tops in the trash.

I will never forget my Mom but some days I’m happy and in my happiness I don’t think of her and then I am sad and then I beat myself up about it and then I get scared that this is how it all starts. I feel angry that I haven’t cried as much as I used to. It is a terrible cycle that I have gotten into that leaves me exhausted and depleted.

So much has happened this year. So much I’ve been happy about, grateful for, excited about. It’s always the best times that make me the most sad. Those times I wish I could share with her my news. Mom! I went to New York! You would’ve loved it! Actually, you would’ve loved helping Ninja prepare for the trip, helping me pick out outfits, and listening to every single detail when I got back. We’re building a house Mom! Remember that fight we got into right before your last MRI? You asked us to stay living with Dad and just build up and I scoffed at you. You knew when I didn’t. Oh how I wish we could go fixture shopping together! I could really use your advice, your knowledge, and your sense of style. I’m taking an adult jazz class and this weekend I have to perform and I’m scared. I wish you were here to help me practice and give me the confidence I need to get out there. OMG you would laugh! I am a mess and you would laugh and then I would laugh and then I would get my shit together.

The Girls are great! Sometimes I do a group text message and gush about one or both of their accomplishments and then after I hit send, I cry. I cry because you are not in that group message.

I see you in them.

I see you in me.

It’s crazy to see myself making the same wisecracks to them that you did to me, my Bro and my Sis. I laugh and then I stop abruptly because it sounds so much like you that I have to look around to see if you’re standing there… beside me… you’re not. I find myself saying the same things you said to me when I needed good advice. Back then I just rolled my eyes but I must have been listening because the words just slip out of my mouth and it’s like I am a puppet and you are my ventriloquist 😂.

By the time I got through Kate Spencer’s book she had made me realize something super important. Something that has flipped my entire way of thinking. She wrote,

I am a mom now; my daughters are 4 and 2. They are tall, mischievous, and empathetic, just like her. My eldest knows my mom is dead. She asked me about her one day in the kitchen, as I hunched over the counter scribbling out detailed instructions for their babysitter. “Your mom died,” she said dramatically, and I nodded. “But where IS she?” she asked. “Can she still talk?”
And so I told her that yes, she is dead but she is still here. She talks through me, and lives on in my relationship with her and her sister. She is there in the advice I give them about navigating friendships, in the songs we sing and the hugs we share, in my endless nagging to pick up their toys, put away their shoes. She’s there when I’m at the sink slicing up strawberries for them to eat. As I said this to her, I realized that I no longer need to drown in my sadness just to keep her alive. I’m letting go of my grief, and finding my mom in myself.

I am not forgetting my Mom! Far from it! She lives within me and my Girls. I see her every day! I see her in my Niece’s beautiful faces and I can hear her in my Sister’s smartass comments 😂 We proved it today! Today we spread my Mom’s name and memory by spreading kindness into our community. This year we made posters and donated $100 to Tim Hortons. We asked them to buy each car in drive thru a cup of coffee until the money was gone. We asked them to hand out a poster with each cup in hopes that they too would pay it forward. It is so important to me to that her generous spirit lives on… through us!

It was a very successful morning! People were posting on the Penticton Facebook page and over 500 people commented/liked it! Global News (HERE) and The Penticton Western News (HERE) contacted me and wrote stories about my Mom and her story. It was overwhelming and wonderful! People were passing on the kindness and paying it forward! Instead of the normal complaints and negative attitudes on Facebook, I was seeing positivity!

Mom would be so happy to know that we haven’t forgot her, no way, not only have we not forgotten but we are making sure that her name is remembered as the wonderful Mother, Nana and Wife that she was. A generous, funny, hardworking woman who loved her morning coffee and loved to pay it forward.

I love you Mommies 💛.

New episode of How Was Your Week, Honey? Ep 123: Sports: A Musical! This week we chat about the US Open, the World Cup, the Stanley Cup Playoffs, Sorry, the Raptors, Victory Songs, the Blue Jays, Campaign Songs, and RIP Grandpa Check it out HERE

We love pasta shells! Sometimes I need a quick, hearty dinner that everyone will like. Sometimes I don’t like what I have planned on the menu and I just want pasta. Sometimes I want to change my dinner plans and I take a look in my pantry and I KNOW I have all of these ingredients in there just waiting for me to eat them all up! This is just good. Nothing special, just easy and good. Sometimes I just need that, easy and good.

Creamy Beef and Shells
Adapted from Damn Delicious

1 bag pasta shells
1 pound ground beef
1 onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, pressed
10 mushrooms, chopped
1 1/2 teaspoons Italian seasoning
2 tablespoons flour
2 cups beef stock
15-ounce can tomato sauce
3/4 cup heavy cream
1/2 cup cheddar cheese, shredded

In a large pot of boiling salted water, cook pasta according to package instructions; drain well.

Heat a large skillet over medium high heat. Add ground beef and cook until browned, about 3-5 minutes, making sure to crumble the beef as it cooks; drain excess fat. Set aside.

Add onion and mushrooms and cook. Stir in garlic and Italian seasoning until fragrant, about 1 minute.

Whisk in flour until lightly browned, about 1 minute.

Gradually whisk in beef stock and tomato sauce.

Bring to a boil; reduce heat and simmer, stirring occasionally, until reduced and slightly thickened, about 6-8 minutes.

Stir in pasta, beef and heavy cream until heated through, about 1-2 minutes; season with salt and pepper, to taste.

Stir in cheese until melted, about 2 minutes.

Ninja airdropped me a few pictures from last weekend’s Dress Rehearsal and dinner out!

SBean finished up her last gymnastics class! Level 2… DONE!

HBear had her annual orthodontist appointment. We definitely see braces in her future!

On Friday Ninja made the Girls chicken and waffles for dinner. They cuddled and watched Prince Caspian. SBean had just finished the book and was SO excited to watch the movie!

I on the other hand, went out to Salty’s Beach House for dinner with MBesty, PACBesty and HLBesty! It was great to hang out, have a few drinks and laugh!

On Saturday we went to The Farmer’s Market! It was a beautiful day and we went for a walk to The Cannery and had lunch and played Sorry. After lunch we went to my InLaw’s for a swim, a visit with Ninja’s Aunts from Calgary and a delicious BBQ dinner!

Sunday was Father’s Day! We met my InLaws at The Hooded Merganser for a delicious breakfast! That afternoon was The Peach City Radio‘s Grand opening! Ninja took the Girls for a tour! That evening was the Station’s award ceremony.