Motherhood Fears & Garlic Butter Chicken

First of all… I made it through dress rehearsal! Can I get a WOOT WOOT?? I went shopping, got HBear to her rehearsal, did as much hair as I could manage (the feeling of hair in my hands is a MAJOR trigger for my senses), did her make up, her lashes AND socialized!!!

And then promptly had a Friday meltdown/pseudo flare up. I have just been missing my Mom so much lately. I guess with dance rehearsals, my birthday this weekend, and Easter… It all came to a head.

I wish she was here to help me through this life altering diagnosis. I wish she was here so I could say sorry. As a Mom and as someone with MS, I now know. I know how far I pushed her and now I know how her body felt when I did. I was awful! I can’t take it back and she’s not even here for me to spend the next 20 years making it up to her. I always thought she would be here. I can’t stop thinking about our fights. How I couldn’t see how sick she was. How I didn’t know that I was pushing every one of her buttons and she was probably having a hard time holding on. I have so many regrets. I don’t want my daughters to have those same regrets.

I always miss her at my birthday because it makes me reevaluate how much she sacrificed to give me the best possible life. She did EVERYTHING to make sure my life was different than hers and I just keep following in every single one of her footsteps. But now I don’t have her here to guide me through my messes. I used to think living without a Mom when I had a head cold was hard. I used to lament about raising a preschooler without my Mom’s advice was hard. I had no idea how hard it would be to navigate the teen years while dealing with MS and not having my Mom there to just give me that much needed hug. That’s all I want. Her hug. Even when things sucked, she made things seem better. I just miss her so much. I have had an old dress of hers packed away for years. She looked so beautiful in it. I have never worn it, until this weekend. For my birthday I wore her dress so I could feel like she was giving me the support and love I need. Her dress is the only hug I have left and right now, I’ll take whatever I can get 💛.

My infusion appointment got cancelled today. I got my period early, I have the worst headache ever, and my fever has been hovering between 38 and 39°. Too high for them to allow me to infuse. I’m kicking myself! The nurse said my immune system is down and I need to be more careful about being around people. I didn’t wear a mask at dance or Easter dinner because I felt comfortable with everybody and now I know that I screwed up. My immune system is down, I got sick, and they had to postpone my infusion and now I can’t go to HBear‘s dance competition that starts tomorrow. This will be the first time I haven’t been in the audience to cheer her on. I am heartbroken. I feel like a failure as a Mom, a daughter, and a wife because I did not look after myself and now I’m in bed with a fever and the chills.

I am an absolute mess. I turned 43 this weekend but I feel 63. My elderly neighbour came over on Saturday morning to ask how I was feeling and you know what she said to me? She said, “You have such a beautiful children. I hope you are able to watch them grow up.” I hope so too. This wasn’t a fear that was on my radar. I wasn’t prepared for the crippling fear that came over me when she said that. Everything feels different now.

Fear is a powerful thing.

At HBear’s dance rehearsal this week, there was an almost accident. It was in HBear’s group, there are 8 of them that have been together from the beginning and are incredibly tight, it happed during their last dance of the rehearsal. They were all feeling it, excitement and silliness and just the fun of being back up on stage! Notice how I didn’t say focused? They weren’t and they were practising a pretty intense lift/basket fall and because they weren’t paying attention, at the last minute they caught their fellow dancer a split second before her face planted into the stage. It was incredibly scary. For the Girls, for the teachers and for the Moms. It was hard for them to get back on the stage and do the lift after that heartstopping moment. Their teacher called an extra practice over the weekend. They wrote down their fears and RIPPED them up. Then, together, they danced their fears away 💛.

This week taught me so much about teamwork and resilience. And the importance of a village. And how to face your fears. It reminded me about the strength of Motherhood and what Moms will do for their children 💛.

Check out How Was Your Week, Honey? Episode #272: Kristin Hops Out HERE! It’s Easter & Kristin braved the outside world! Topics: glasses, wine, man on the beach, The Masters, dress rehearsal, Easter, Hockey, 1st bike, deep meanings, & Super Groups.

I am SO excited to share this recipe with you today! We had it a few weeks ago and it was AMAZEBALLS! It doesn’t use many ingredients and it is quite easy to make, it would be perfect for when you are having guests over and you want to impress! It tastes like you put a lot of work into it but the reality is, it is a total weekday dinner, quick to prepare with ingredients you probably have on hand that tastes DELICIOUS!

Garlic Butter Chicken
Adapted from Averie Cooks

3 tablespoons oil
3 chicken breasts, pounded to an even thickness
1 to 2 teaspoons Italian seasoning
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 cup white wine
3 tablespoons butter

2-3 cloves garlic, pressed

To a large skillet, add the oil, chicken, evenly season with Italian seasoning, salt, pepper, and cook over medium-high heat for 5 minutes. Don’t disturb the chicken while it is searing. After about 5 minutes, flip chicken over.

Allow chicken to cook on the second side for about 5 minutes, or until done and cooked through. Again, do not disturb the chicken while it’s searing.

Remove chicken and place it on a plate to rest.

Deglaze your skillet by adding the wine to the skillet.

Add the butter and allow it to melt, about 1 minute; stir continuously until melted. Add the garlic and cook until fragrant, about 1 minutes; stir continuously.

Turn the heat off, add the chicken back into the skillet, flip it around in the garlic butter sauce, and spoon the sauce over the chicken.

SBean is still enjoying her new skating lessons and is improving SO much! I am slowly getting over my last infusion treatment and we had 2 days of competitive dance dress rehearsal. We finally watched The Adam Project, spring has finally arrived, and I have being trying to get my yoga in even if its just a quick stretch every day. Ninja and the Girls took me to Match for a early birthday dinner and then we enjoyed a wonderful Easter! The Girls did their egg hunt and then Ninja, Bean, Oliver and I went for a beautiful morning walk on the beach while HBear prepared an amazing brunch for my birthday. It was phenomenal! I opened up a few gifts, took a nap and then we headed to my Sis’s place for Easter dinner. The whole family was there, the food was delicious, they had crafts, treats and bagels!! My BIL makes the BEST homemade bagels EVER! It was as perfect of a birthday/Easter as I could have asked for. I am grateful 💜.