Looking back at this night a year ago I think of all those feelings I was feeling. Scared of so many things…
knowing that in just 9 hours I was going to meet her…
It was so different having a planned c-section. With HBear I waited until the contractions were close and went to the hospital lol it all went smoothly, at first. I ended up having a long labor and then a c-section, definitely NOT the natural childbirth I had envisioned, planned, and even practiced lol.
With SydneyBean I went in knowing she would be born at a specific time. I had guilt that I wasn’t even trying…
I was done with being pregnant, huge and useless. My Mom got diagnosed with cancer 5 weeks before my due date. Our house was emotionally turned upside down.
In just 12 hours Mom would start her 1st chemo treatment. Dad helped her through one of the toughest weeks of their lives.
Ninja’s Mom and Dad were in town and they had HBear at the hotel and got her to all her activities. It was great for Mom and Dad to have some privacy and quiet for this week and quality time for HBear to spend with Grandma and Grandpa!
It was past my due date and we all planned that if it went past we would do the c-section.
I felt guilty because I just wanted the anxiety of the “birthing” part to be be done.
At 5:30am when I sat down on that hospital bed all the guilt and stress went away and excitement raced through me.
What would she look like?
Would she be Smart? Athletic? Musical?
Would she like me?
I am ashamed to say it but a little voice that I tried to smack down, questioned my love. HBear had brought me a love that I had never felt before. Would it be the same?
When Ninja handed her to me on that operating table… an all-consuming love came over me.
She was crying.
She actually began screaming even before the Dr pulled her out, he made a comment about it right away LOL, should have been a hint as to what was to come!!!!
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| She still hates anything confining her LOL |
As soon as I spoke to her she went silent. We looked at each other and all I felt was love.
When Ninja and I sat there that first morning, it was quiet and it was just us. We got to revel in her beauty. Her little toes, ears, her perfect shaped mouth.
We said different names to her and waited for a “sign” lol
Lydia… Bennet… Harper… Ella… ummm those were our 4… Sydney? When Ninja spoke that name, that was on both of our lists but we kind of waffled about… she opened her eyes!
Sydney. Awwwww I can’t tell you how much I love that name. We made the right pick, SHE made the right pick.
We spent 3 days at the hospital. They were amazing. It was quiet and HBear came to visit 2 times a day.
Everyone came up.
Mom wasn’t allowed but I called her every day and we talked for as long as she could… which was surprisingly long LOL
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| Mom and Sydney’s 1st meeting Nov 30 2012 |
Mom was like SuperMom for the next month! Despite starting chemo and be scared shitless, she stepped up and made all the dinners and took care of me. She helped prepare HBear’s birthday party and dinner 4 days after Sbean’s birth! LOL
BUT… for those 3 days it was just SBean.
It’s in those 3 days I knew she was a Bean lol.
I knew she was perfect.
I didn’t know WHAT she would be… but I knew she was going to be great at whatever she chose.
She looked exactly like I thought she would, she looked like… another piece of my heart.
Maybe it was because we were so close to the Christmas but I actually saw my heart grow just a little bit more, just like the Grinch 🙂
It was a feeling I had felt before. I was scared that I would protect that love so fiercely that I wouldn’t be able to give up space for another baby.
In those 3 days I was relieved to find out that seeing HBear & SBean together…
seeing Ninja with both of them,
separate and together…
Made me complete.
Happiness. She brought a love into my life that I wasn’t even expecting. You know in The CareBears? When they all have to do the CareBear STARE! To activate the most love to stop or change things?
That’s what I needed this year. That one extra heart shining into me.
Happy 1st birthday my Sweetheart.
Thank you for being you.
Fiery, Curious, Funny, Unique, Special, Loving, Intelligent… the list could go on! I can’t wait to get to know you as you grow to be the amazing woman I know you will become!
I love you my Sweet Bean.
0 thoughts on “SydneyBean’s 1st Birthday”
Many of us can relate to the love we have for our firstborn, how can we love another as deeply and profoundly, and when the next child comes along, there is no question … the love is as strong as it was for our first. You have certainly gone through a lot with one of the greatest love of one's life … a mother. Being a mother you can understand your love for your children and understand the profound love your mother had for you. Namaste