Do you ever have those days when you reflect over the past week and just know in your heart of hearts that you’ve been a shitty Mom?
This week I was the worst Mom.
Ever.
I seemed to yell a lot this week. I lectured all the time this week. And something happened that made me sit and bawl because I am the worst mother ever.
SBean did not get accepted into preschool.
Even as I write that, the tears well up.
How could this happen?
On Sunday we went through the girls clothes. Putting away the rest of winter and bringing up SBean’s summer stuff. SBean was born 4 years and 4 days after HBear. So everything that she has is passed down from her older sister.
I have an immense amount of guilt about this. We spoiled HBear rotten. As in, I always bought her a new wardrobe each season and they were all good quality clothes. Hence, why they have lasted this long. However, I just feel like SBean has got the short end of the stick. Yes, I still buy her special pieces and clothes that reflect her personality and sense of style, but the bulk, the pajamas, the pants, the runners, and all the dresses and there are A LOT apparently LOL are passed down.
SBean gets dragged around to all her older Sister’s activities. HBear got individual time spent reading, playing games, doing puzzles, nature hunts, exploring, patient baking lessons, and so many other 1 on 1 activities.
And HBear got preschool.
No-no, HBear got months of excitement and anticipation before even going to preschool because not only was it her first time going to school it was MY first time having my daughter go to school. The second time around is always more… Laid back.
It is terrible to say but I fear it to be true.
I am so scared that I missed a huge opportunity for SBean! I have NEVER missed a registration for HBear… I missed winter skating sign up for SBean this past January. I kicked myself for waiting so long to register but I forgave myself.
Not sure if I can forgive myself this time.
I registered her for preschool last June. I thought that was enough time? How early did I apply for HBear? I don’t remember but she got in so it must’ve been earlier. I am such a Jerk.
SBean is so incredibly excited about preschool. She mentions it every day. “Guess what I’m going to do? Go to preschool!” She yells.
Every day.
How could this happen?
All the other preschools are full. I could put her in the afternoon classes but it’s not the same as getting up and getting ready for school with her big Sister. That, and the whole point is to get up and get ready in the morning… I mean, I AM trying to prepare her for kindergarten the next year! Also, it’s 1 until 3:30, how would I get HBear to all of her afterschool programs?
This is terrible.
I have talked to a few other Moms and I have emailed the Registrar and the President of the board. Now as I look back at my initial email after I received the news, I notice A LOT of exclamation marks. My stomach sinks when I think about the way my not rude but definitely upset email will be received. 🙁 Granted my email to the President was heartfelt and much calmer.
I had been assured last October by the Registrar and more recently by the teacher, that it would not be a problem.
HBear started preschool in September and my Mom got diagnosed with lung cancer in October. HBear’s teacher was a breast cancer survivor. She gave us books and CDs and meditating help books. She was wonderful. She was super wonderful in regards to HBear. She understood her sensitivity and her sadness and helped her through the year. My Mom passed on June 20 and HBear graduated preschool on June 26. Her teacher was there through it all.
I can’t believe I let this happen. I am the worst Mother ever. I was so laid-back that my daughter is going to miss out on preschool! Maybe I should’ve registered her when she was 1 instead of 2.
To be honest, I want to cry every time I think about her going to preschool anyways. First it is 3 mornings a week then all of a sudden it’s 5 days! This is what they mean when they say hold onto those moments. They go too fast.
On top of that, HBear’s attitude has been mind-boggling lately. The dirty looks, the nasty faces, and the flat out “oh yes I will” sentences are about to be my undoing.
I try so hard to make all these moments be nice moments of learning something but as it turns out after so many times of saying the same thing… I yell.
I just don’t understand why she won’t listen? When I ask her to do something, if she questions it, I give her a reason. I try to respect her enough to understand where I’m coming from. If she hears my side and has a different side, that it is well thought out and a rational argument, I would discuss with her. But, when I say my mind is made up and it will not change, do not continue to do it, or continue talking or worse yelling, AND do not whine, cry or stomp around. And most certainly do not make balled up fists hands and horrible nasty faces!
‘Cause this Mama is gonna lose her shit!
For realz.
I got a FitBit for my birthday. I love it!
I get to see just how fast these kids increase my heart rate!
Despite the craziness that was our house this week, we still managed to have some smiles and good times too 🙂
Some dirt digging happened,
Some homemade fro-yo was eaten,
I bought that type of yogurt last time… it was on sale! HBear hated it! She did not like the fruit at the bottom of the cup lol So we made frozen yogurt pops! I just stuck a lollipop stick into the yogurt cup and froze it! Now they both love them!
We took up some of our tulips to GG, Poppy and Mom,
I dropped off all the girls at the Salvation Army Community Garden! They helped plant fresh herbs and vegetables 🙂
After I found out SBean didn’t get into preschool we went out for dinner. I had this monstrosity to help ease the pain,
On the weekend the Brownies (Sparks & Guides) did a litter cleanup at the park/beach. I just love the Guiding program! So Community driven and it teaches the girls so many wonderful skills!
Last night I bit the bullet and… went out for Ladies night. My SBesty has been bugging me for months to join her and her group of girlfriends for dinner. I always seem to have a reason to miss 😉 It isn’t that I don’t want to meet her friends… it is just that I have serious social anxiety.
I don’t know when it started. I used to President of Student Council and a social butterfly. As I got older I started staying in more and then after I had HBear I stopped even talking to adults at work anymore! I guess by this point I have so much self doubt I actually feel sick thinking about leaving the house. I mean really, what do I have to talk about? Work? Nope. Fashion? Not unless we are talking juniors. Home repairs? Well I would need my own home to make repairs in. Kids? YES! I can talk kids.
Wah-Wah
Lame-o.
So yesterday morning I was hoping to see SBesty at drop off to explain why I was unable to attend… again lol. I missed her so I sent her this long (but truthful) text explaining that I would not be able to make dinner on Tuesday.
She texted right back and said, well that’s no problem because it is tonight!
My heart stopped.
OMG. I started typing out a new excuse I had 1 thing planned for last night but I knew it was easy to move so I kept stopping in the middle of texting.
A few minutes later I got a text… Having a hard time figuring out how to respond to that? Lol I can see you writing 😉
HAHAHAHAHA
Busted.
So I went.
I put on my big girl panties and I went. Actually they were my Granny panties because I was the oldest lady there and I dressed like an old Fuddy Duddy compared to the other intelligent, funny, beautiful, and successful women.
Yup. 6 extremely amazing women! No pressure lol
I had a great time!
It was nice to get out and talk about grown up stuff. Even though we are all at different stages in life, we had so many things to talk about! It turns out… I can converse about things other than my children! LOL
Sometimes you need to get away to appreciate what you have. Even though my Mom Esteem took a huge blow this week… my self esteem inflated a little. Even SBean putting her hands on her hips and yelling at me “Mommy stop telling me what to do! You’re stressing me out!” seems spirited rather than outright defiant after you have had a nice glass of wine with the Ladies 🙂
I will keep that in mind and reread this when I am formulating my excuse for next time LOL
HBear has been driving me nuts for shrimpy. So I made these super easy packets! I used NO dishes! Everything went on the BBQ and everyone thought they tasted great! A perfect spring/summer dish with no cleanup!
No Dishes Grilled Shrimp Packets
1 bag of frozen shrimp
2 tables spoons oil
3 potatoes, thinly sliced
6 cloves garlic, pressed and separated
1/2 cup carrots, thinly sliced
2 peppers, thinly sliced
1 red onion, sliced
4 green onions, chopped
3 tablespoons butter or margarine
3 tablespoons Epicurean lemon pepper sansel
Cut 3 large sheets of tin foil.
Coat the middle of each sheet with oil.
Place cut potatoes in a even layer across the oil. Season with salt and pepper and garlic.
Add equal amounts of peppers, carrots, green onions, and red onion over each packets potato layer.
Top with a tablespoon each of butter and the rest of the garlic.
Top the veggies with equal amounts of shrimp.
Season with salt and pepper and sprinkle with the Epicurean seasoning if you have it. If not add some lemon salt or a squeeze of lemon juice.
Fold up foil into a sealed packet.
Grill on BBQ on low for about 20 minutes or until shrimp are pink and potatoes are tender.
You don’t even need a plate!
