I was so angry as a kid. I lost out on opportunities, relationships, and a big chunk of my childhood because I had so much anger inside me. I don’t know where the chip on my shoulder came from. I had a wonderful family, a nice place to live, a wonderful extended family that supported me, good grades, great friends… And yet I still felt like the world was against me.
I have let go of a lot of that anger. If I have to pinpoint when I would say it started when I had HBear. I let even more of my anger go after Ninja and I got married. Feeling 100% secure in a relationship and receiving unconditional love from your partner will do that. More anger was pushed out of my heart when SBean was born. You find when you have so much love in your life there’s no room left for anger in your heart.
I know this is weird to say but after Mom died, day by day, week by week, month by month and year-by-year my anger completely faded away. I listened to a podcast about an added stage of grief not just acceptance but finding meaning in your loss. Although I will never believe that my Mom dying was “meant to be” or “happened for a reason” or part of “God’s plan”, I began to believe that her death allowed me the freedom of happiness. Life is too short to hold on to anger.
With all that being said, this year, in my many stages of grief, I have felt a lot of anger.
I’m so mad that it has been 8 years. The universe is so mad too. People are so angry. Everything is in crisis. I’m angry that the world is going to “Hell in a hand basket” as Mom would say. I’m angry that people can’t even love thy neighbour enough to sacrifice a little for the greater good. I am angry that there is so much hate, racism, and divisiveness in our world right now. And most of all I am pissed off that my Mom isn’t here to tell me everything is going to be OK.
Even standing over her bed that day it never occurred to me that she would die. She would never do that to us. She would never leave us. I’m so mad. She is supposed to be here! She is supposed to be here to see HBear up on pointe. She is supposed to help me decorate my new home, marvel at SBean’s imagination and creativity, and see my Sister making the move out to the Valley, the place that brought my Mom the most happiness. For the first time in my life I feel 100% justified in my anger. I know exactly why it’s there and I feel it burning inside of me. Some days I want to lash out at the universe, some days I do. It’s so hard to lose the person whose story was the beginning of your own. It’s like losing a part of yourself forever.
There was a day, a Wednesday, the second week of our second year of the pandemic when I realized that I cried every Wednesday. Every week Ninja left at 6:30 to pick up the SBean from dance and like muscle memory, I cried. I cried so hard I was silent because I miss her so much. Then I would get angry and because I’m alone, I yell out “I want you back!” Then I cry harder. And then I stop. I wipe my nose and dry my tears because they will be home soon and my eyes get puffy and my hazel eyes go bright green when I cry and it’s not that I don’t want to be honest with them… I just don’t want to talk about it… I’ll cry.
Over the last year as I sat out on my balcony the city was quiet. It always amazed me when I looked out over the rooftops and to the hospital tower glowing right in front of me, that a silent killer, a virus was out there. Knowing that somebody, possibly even close by, was losing their Mom made me feel so sad and hopeless inside.
Maybe it’s the pandemic? Maybe all the heartache of the past year is building up inside of me and culminating right now, on my Mom’s eighth anniversary. I remember being 13 months into the pandemic and thinking, “I’m glad she’s not here! I could never have gone 4 months without seeing my Mom!” The idea seemed absurd! Then I looked at the clock and realized I had gone 7 years 10 months 5 days 2 hours and 46 minutes without seeing her. But who’s counting?
I am. And it angers me… No it scares the shit out of me that I still feel this amount of despair after 8 years. Will it always be like this? Will I always sit at the beach and think about my Mom and cry so hard that I almost make myself sick. Did you know that tears can still stream down your face even with your eyes closed? Or maybe that only happens when the sadness you feel is so overwhelming that even your closed eyes can’t hold the tears back?
Want to know another thing I’m angry about? I’m angry that my Mom isn’t here to see me find my inner peace. To see how I’ve mellowed out. Isn’t that funny, I’m angry that she can’t see me I’m not angry anymore 😂.
I guess in a way she is still teaching me something. To keep working and growing 💛.
If you have followed my blog over the years then you know that every year on June 20 we honour my Mom by giving back to the community. My Mom believed that being a presence in your community was/is very important. She also taught me that even if you were unable to travel you could always go to far off places and have great adventures by just reading a book. So, we took those 2 things and HBear came up with a wonderful way to honour Nana’s memory again this year, by spreading joy at the Penticton Public Library!
So I used printable business cards and gave a little background to Mom’s story on one side, on the other side, we drew colourful and inspirational messages.
I came to realize that although we do this every year to remember Mom, it is really for me. So that I can get through the day, not in tears but with a smile. So that one day a year I can feel like I’m hanging out with my Mom. So that her name will be read by all the people that find the cards and hopefully they pass along positive messages to other people that may need to hear it.
I love you Mommies. I think of you every day and I so badly wish you were here. You will NEVER be forgotten. L-O-V-E 💛
When I was younger my WinnipegBesty and I always went to Smitty’s to get a black magic cake when we are feeling down. Black magic cake was basically a McCain chocolate cake with ice cream, chocolate syrup and whipped cream. I would cry into my cake about some boy while WpgBesty would nod her head in sympathetic agreement. I love Smitty’s. When Ninja and I were in University we used to go there once a week for breakfast during our spare. I always got the breakfast skillet. The other day I was craving that skillet so badly but the closest Smitty’s is 45 minutes away in Osoyoos. One time when HBear was young, Ninja and I drove out there so I could have my breakfast hash! Eggs, vegetables, ham, hashbrowns and topped with melted cheese! Yum! Now that I have cast iron skillets I figured, I can make that! So I did! It was so freaking good! Eggs for dinner isn’t weird you’re weird for thinking it’s weird.
Breakfast Skillet Hash
3 1/2 tablespoons butter, divided
1 bell pepper, chopped
1/2 cup onion, chopped
1/2 cup mushrooms, sliced
2 cups shredded hash brown potatoes
8 oz. deli ham, chopped
8 large eggs, lightly beaten
5 dashes Tobasco Sauce
Salt and black pepper, to taste
3/4 cup cheddar cheese, shredded
1 tablespoon parsley, chopped
1 tablespoon chives, chopped
Melt 3 tablespoons butter in a cast iron skillet over medium-high heat.
Add bell pepper, mushrooms and onion and sauté for 3 minutes.
Toss potatoes in with the pepper mixture then spread into an even layer, season with salt and pepper to taste. Let cook tossing only occasionally until starting to brown about 6 to 7 minutes.
Toss in ham and cook until potatoes are tender, about 3 minutes longer. Push everything to one side of the pan. Reduce heat to low.
Beat eggs and add a few dashes of Tobasco Sauce, and sprinkle with salt and pepper.
Toss everything together, sprinkle with cheese and toss just a few times.
Sprinkle with parsley and chives.
What a week! On top of Mom’s anniversary there were a couple other major things that were happening in our household! It was a incredibly busy work week and I killed the work week challenge with 106,000 steps! I purchased orange shirts from Red Nation Design in Cherry Lane Mall for the Girls and I! Fantastic service, great quality and such unique designs! On Friday HBear had her intermediate foundation ballet exam for the Royal Academy of Dance! She has been working so hard this year and all of her hard work paid off as she felt very confident going into her exam. We continued watching the NHL playoffs, voted in the Penticton city Council by-election, checked out the new restaurant in Summerland, Shaughnessy’s Cove, and it was Father’s Day!
It is always hard to have Father’s Day so close to Mom’s anniversary. This year they fell on the same day. However, we did our memorial tradition on Saturday and spent Sunday celebrating the wonderful Dad’s in our lives! We went to my in-laws house and had a wonderful day in the pool, eating delicious barbecue, and spoiling our men with thoughtful gifts. What could’ve been a very sad day was actually a day full of gratitude and love. Happy Father’s Day to my Dad, my FIL, and the best Husband, Daddy, and Partner a Gal could ever ask for, my Ninja. You are SO appreciated My Love ❤️.
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